I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
