dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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