i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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