Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
