When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
