I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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