Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
We need to get me chipped asap
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
