watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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