dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
