Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Your cock deserves a montage
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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