I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Randomize
