If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
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She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.