apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.