Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.