I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
