using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
