i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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