I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
So I just went to clothing optional bar
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
I'm really busy with my period
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