The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
there is puke in my bra ... again
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
