I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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