please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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