I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
