i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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