She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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