My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
