You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
