Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
it's like heaven, but drunker
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
