Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
