i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He keeps bees of course he's weird
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just gargled with NyQuil
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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