wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Randomize
