I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
