i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
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