I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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