I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Your penis caused this!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
