I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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