Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
