Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
