can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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