I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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