Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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