I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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