Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
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Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
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I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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