onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
