you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
