last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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