she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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