my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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