My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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