This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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