I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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