I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
