So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
New Dating App in Dallas For Only The Most Ambitious and Attractive Singles
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.