i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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