I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
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You coming home soon, man?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
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Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?