Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
