If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
