I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
The beer is more important than you right now.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
