If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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