I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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