I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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