I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
