I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
just come out here and I will go home with you...
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
