I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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