I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
