My liver just broke up with me...
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
