My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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